


I Was Blind Before I Met You

by Antigone69



Series: Let The Light In [1]
Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: 2002 AU, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, First Meeting, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-10-27
Updated: 2017-10-30
Packaged: 2019-01-25 05:54:43
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,927
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12524492
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Antigone69/pseuds/Antigone69
Summary: Sonny Carisi and Rafael Barba have been together since 2002.  This is the story of how they met and fell in love.





	1. Chapter 1

The Stonewall Inn was one of Rafael’s favourite places in the city. It was equal parts campy and monumental, the kind of middle ground he himself liked to occupy. 

On this particular Friday night he walked in, tight jeans hugging his thighs and a leather jacket on his shoulders, looking for someone to fuck. He wasn’t looking for _companionship_ , just a quick rut in the bathroom, maybe someone to bring home for the night. 

He certainly wasn’t looking for true love. He had given up on that kind of thing a while ago. 

He looked over at the bar and saw a man sitting alone. 

No. Not a man. An angel. Tall, pale,  _beautiful,_ with shaggy, dirty-blonde hair and an absolutely horrendous shirt. Rafael stepped quickly across the room and sat down next to the man. 

“Have I seen you here before?” Rafael asked him. The man jumped, looking at Rafael with a surprised look on his face. 

“Sorry, I...I’m a little jumpy. Uh, no, you haven’t seen me here before. I don’t usually come to places like this,” the man said, eyes darting around furtively. 

Something soured in Rafael’s mouth. If this guy was one of those homophobic closet cases, even that beautiful face wasn’t worth it. 

“What, bars, or gay bars?” Rafael asked in a tone he knew to be unreadable--he was a lawyer, he was good at that. 

“Uhh, both? I’m not much of a drinker. Never been to a bar before,” the man admitted, smiling sheepishly, and oh, he had dimples.

That smile took Rafael’s breath away. 

“I’m Rafael,” he said, sitting back in his chair. He saw the younger man give him the once over, and then blush when he noticed Rafael was watching. 

The blush knocked the wind out of Rafael. 

“I’m Sonny,” the man said. 

Rafael flagged down the bartender and then ordered himself a drink, and another one of whatever Sonny was having, and then turned back to his conversation. 

“So, Sonny, tell me, why don’t you go to bars, much? You’re an attractive, young man, don’t you have friends? Are you in college? What is it that men your age do, if not binge drink?” 

Sonny blushed again. 

“Uh, well, I just graduated college—criminal justice at John Jay—and I’m a cadet at the police academy right now. I don’t really like sitting around doing nothing while my buddies pick up chicks, and I have no friends that would come to a gay bar with me, so...it’s taken a while,” Sonny shrugged, looking down at his lap. 

Rafael smiled at him. 

“Well it’s lucky for me, then, because I would _not_ have sat down next to you if you were surrounded by straight men,” he said. Sonny looked up at him and seemed to relax infinitesimally. 

“So what do you do, Rafael, when you’re not trawling for younger men?” Sonny asked, smiling playfully. 

“Not that much younger,” Rafael shot back, a playful glint in his eye. 

“Not an answer to the question I asked, Raf,” and there hadn’t been once in his entire life that Rafael hadn’t hated that nickname, but it sounded like a prayer coming from Sonny’s lips. 

Rafael took a long drink from his glass, letting Sonny sweat for a moment, before he looked back at him.

“I’m a lawyer at the Brooklyn DA’s office,” Rafael said, letting a hint of pride seep into his voice. He knew his cockiness was charming.

Sonny let out a low, impressed whistle.

“Not too shabby, Counselor,” he said, his Staten Island accent on beautiful display. Rafael smirked. Not his cruel smirk, reserved for murderers and rapists. Not the taunting smirk he used on defense attorneys when he had them right where he wanted them. A teasing smirk, just enough to let Sonny know he liked him, not enough to give away the truth.

The truth being that he had been speaking to this man for less than ten minutes and could already tell that he was going to fall for him hook, line and sinker.

“So, you’re from Staten Island?” Rafael asked after another long drink. Sonny blushed again and ducked his head.

“That obvious?”

Rafael nodded, and Sonny looked embarrassed.

“Uh, yeah, born in Brooklyn, family moved there when I was a baby. Big Italian family.”

“Ah yes, Sonny is a famously traditional Italian name,” Rafael said, leaning closer to Sonny. Close enough that the smell of Sonny’s cologne hit him, and Rafael was glad he was already sitting, because his knees went weak. Sonny smelled spicy and warm and fresh, and Rafael wanted to press his face against Sonny’s long neck.

Sonny laughed, and Rafael was jolted back to their conversation.

“My real name is Dominick. Dominick Carisi, Jr. My dad is Dom, too, so I’ve always been Sonny.”

“You the only son?” Rafael asked astutely.

“Yep. Three sisters—two older, one younger. They’re awesome. Crazy, but awesome.”

Rafael smiled at Sonny, and Sonny smiled softly back.

“So what about you, Rafael? Where’d you grow up?”

“The Bronx. 157th, right by Yankee Stadium.”

“Boo, go Mets,” Sonny interjected. Rafael rolled his eyes.

“Do I seem like the kind of man who participates in sports rivalries, Carisi?” he asked playfully.

Sonny looked him up and down again, slowly this time, deliberately, like he wanted Rafael to know he was looking.

“Nope,” he said, popping the “p” and drawing Rafael’s attention to his full, soft looking lips. Rafael wondered what it would be like to taste—

“So, the Bronx. Any siblings?” Not for the first time, Rafael was jolted out of his fantasies about Sonny.

“Nope. Just me and my mom. My dad was around but he wasn’t… _around_ , if you know what I mean. He was an absent father on a good day,” Rafael muttered. He didn’t know why he was volunteering this information—he could count on one hand the number of people in his life that he had spoken to about his father.

“That’s rough, I’m sorry,” Sonny said. He didn’t sound like he was just offering a platitude so they could move onto a sexier conversation topic, either. He sounded like he really was sorry. Rafael looked up and saw the same thing in Sonny’s eyes that he heard in his voice—concern. Compassion. Care.

Rafael looked away and took another long drink. It was too overwhelming. There was no way that what Rafael was feeling right now was real. It was just…hormones, loneliness, something. The way Sonny’s eyes made Rafael’s heart beat in his throat didn’t mean anything except for that Rafael hadn’t gotten laid in a few weeks. Or months.

Which was fine. That’s why he was here tonight. To get laid.

“Do you want to…go on a walk?” Rafael asked, draining his glass and putting it down on the bar. Sonny nodded eagerly and stood up, knocking the barstool back in the process. He looked embarrassed, but Rafael just smiled at him. Rafael settled the tab—Sonny’s drinks too, he insisted—and then grabbed his coat to meet Sonny at the door.

They stepped onto the street, the warm night air filling Rafael’s lungs. They headed East, towards the park. Rafael listened calmly as Sonny babbled about his family and his friends and the Academy, asked questions when the conversation lulled, content to listen to Sonny’s stream of consciousness and feel the breeze on his face.

They hadn’t walked a full block before Rafael felt something bump against his hand, and looked down just in time to see Sonny’s larger hand wrap around his own fingers. He looked up at Sonny, who was staring resolutely ahead, but blushing all the way down his neck. Rafael smiled and squeezed Sonny’s fingers, but let didn’t say anything else.

They ended up in Washington Square Park. Sonny looked a little squirrely, glancing furtively between Rafael and the old guys playing chess. Rafael thought maybe he was feeling nervous about holding hands with a man in public. It wasn’t likely that somebody would bother them in the West Village, of all places, so Rafael shrugged it off.

“Come here,” Rafael said, stepping off the path and pulling Sonny with him.

“Where are we going?” Sonny said. His long legs tripped over some bushes, and he laughed. His laugh made Rafael want to drop to his knees, whether to start thanking God or to unzip Sonny’s trousers, he wasn’t quite sure.

“I want to show you something.”

“Whatever you say, counselor.” Rafael couldn’t see, but it _sounded_ like Sonny was rolling his eyes. Rafael rounded a tree to a nice secluded spot, and then stood waiting for Sonny to catch up.

“Okay, what is it you wanted to show me, _Rafael,”_ Sonny asked again, stepping closer.

“This,” Rafael breathed, and then pushed Sonny against the tree and pressed a soft kiss to Sonny’s full lips. Sonny’s hand immediately came up to Rafael’s jaw, his long fingers snaking into Rafael’s hair. Rafael leaned one hand on the tree next to Sonny’s head, and brought the other to his hip, pulling their bodies closer. Sonny’s narrow hips bucked against his, and Rafael groaned into his mouth.

Sonny pulled back and Rafael tried to follow him, his lips still seeking out those of the younger man.

“Wait, wait—“ Sonny turned his head so that Rafael’s lips only found his cheek.  
“Sorry,” Rafael murmured, pulling back before resting his forehead on the side of Sonny’s head. Sonny’s hands came to rest on Rafael’s hips, and Rafael tried to ignore the fact that they fit there perfectly.

“Can I take you home?” Rafael breathed against Sonny’s ear.

Sonny hummed but didn’t say anything. Rafael pulled back and peered into Sonny’s face.

“Is everything okay?” he asked.

Sonny nodded, but didn’t meet Rafael’s eyes. He bit his lip and it was dark, but Rafael was close and could feel the warmth of a blush settling underneath Sonny’s soft skin.  
“Sonny? Are you okay? Is something wrong?” Rafael felt a hint of panic rising in his stomach. Did he accidentally hurt Sonny? Was Sonny scared of him?

When Sonny still didn’t answer Rafael became truly worried. He moved to step away from Sonny, but Sonny held onto his hips, pulled him back.

Well that was a good sign at least.

“Sonny?” Rafael asked again. Sonny took a deep breath and finally met Rafael’s eyes.

“I really like you, Rafael. And I know you probably weren’t—aren’t—looking for something like this, but I’d like to see you again.”

Rafael didn’t quite know how to respond. It wasn't that he didn’t want to see Sonny again. In fact, now that they’d kissed, he was convinced that no force on earth could stop him from seeing Sonny again. But he expected to have this conversation the next morning, in his bed, while Sonny lay naked beside him.

“I’d…like that too.”

“And I’d like to take this slow.” Rafael watched the blush creep back up Sonny’s neck, but the look on his face was resolute. Determined. Like he refused to be ashamed for asking.

“Okay,” Rafael said, still not quite sure what was happening.

“And I feel like you should know going into this that that was my first kiss with a man.”

At that, Sonny did look a little bit embarrassed, but suddenly everything fell into place for Rafael.

“That’s fine. I can do slow,” Rafael murmured softly, bringing his hand from Sonny’s hip up to his face, running his thumb across Sonny’s cheek.

“We can keep making out, if you want. I am very pro-making out. I just thought I should let you know how it’s gonna go down this evening. I didn’t want to get your hopes up,” Sonny said.

Rafael leaned in again, pressing soft kisses to Sonny’s jawline between each word he spoke.

“Oh, I assure you, Mr. Carisi. My hopes are _way_ up. But they can wait till you’re ready.”

Rafael felt Sonny take a deep, shuddering breath, and then turn to capture Rafael’s mouth with his own.

Kissing Sonny up against a tree in Washington Square Park was the closest thing to a religious experience Rafael could ever remember having. The way this young, eager, innocent young man kissed took Rafael’s breath away. Sonny kissed like his entire life depended on it, like if his lips detached from Rafael’s person for a moment too long, his heart would stop. Sonny kissed like he talked, offering up everything he had, savoring whatever his partner was willing to offer in return.

Rafael got lost in Sonny’s kisses, losing track of time. It wasn’t until Sonny started whimpering into his mouth that Rafael finally wrangled the strength to pull himself away. He stepped back and admired his handiwork.

Sonny leaned against the tree. His hair was a mess and his shirt had come un-tucked. His lips were swollen and his breath was fast and shallow.

He looked perfect.

The sight of Sonny, debauched and still whimpering made Rafael’s cock twitch.

“I think it’s time for you to head home,” Rafael said. Sonny nodded, still catching his breath.

“Let me walk you to the train,” Rafael said after they had both caught their breath. He held out his hand, and smiled when Sonny took it.

The walk to the train was quiet. Not awkward, just comfortably silent. They reached the entrance for the uptown 1, and Sonny turned to face Rafael.

“Here, let me get your phone number,” he said, pulling his cell phone out of his pocket. They exchanged numbers, and then Sonny gave the subway stairs a long look, like he really didn’t want to go.

“I’ll call you tomorrow. We’ll set something up,” Rafael said. He didn’t want to leave either. Sony just nodded, and then, with a look on his face like he was psyching himself up for something, pressed one more long, soft kiss to Rafael’s lips before walking down the stairs without another word.

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The boys' second date!

Rafael had to physically stop himself from calling Sonny first thing when he woke up. He could wait till after lunch. He _could._

Rafael didn’t think about Sonny as he made his coffee, and he didn’t about Sonny in the shower while he jerked off, and he didn’t think about Sonny on the drive to work, and he didn’t think about Sonny during the arraignment he had scheduled, and he didn’t think about Sonny as he ate take out at his desk while going over case files.

However, as soon as he threw the take out container in the trash, he thought about Sonny. He was glad he was alone in his office so nobody saw how fast he whipped out his phone.

Sonny answered on the first ring.

“Hello?”

Rafael couldn’t keep a smile off his face.

“Hello,” Rafael said, keeping his voice low.

“Hello,” Sonny said.

“You already said that.”

Rafael could hear Sonny let out a breath.

“Hey, Carisi, that your girlfriend?” Rafael heard someone yell on the other side of the line.

“Hey, fuck off, Johnson, I bet you can’t even find a girl willing to talk to you,” Carisi yelled, his Staten accent getting stronger. Rafael didn’t want to think about what Sonny saying the word “fuck” did to him.

“Sorry about that,” Sonny said, and Rafael heard the other side of the phone get quieter.

“That’s okay. You find somewhere to be alone?”

“Yeah, I’m in the bathroom.”

Rafael laughed.

“How has your day been?” Sonny asked.

“Good. Arraignment this morning went well—that’s when a judge decides—“

“I have a degree in criminal justice, Counselor, I know what an arraignment is,” Sonny said. Rafael could hear the smile in his voice.

“Of course. My apologies.”

Neither of them said anything for a few moments, but Rafael hoped that Sonny was smiling into his phone like an idiot. It would make Rafael feel better about doing that on his end.

“Listen, I wanted to ask when I can take you out to dinner some time this week. As soon as possible,” Rafael added. The anticipation of seeing Sonny again was too great to worry about sounding too impatient.

“I’m free tonight,” Sonny said immediately.

Rafael let out a soft laugh.

“Was that too eager? I don’t care. I’m free tonight,” Sonny said.

“I am too. Can I pick you up around 8?”   
Sonny gave him his address, and Rafael found that he didn’t want to hang up.

Luckily he was saved from having to force himself to hang up, because a knock came on his door.

“One second,” he called over his shoulder.

“Duty calls?” Sonny asked.

“Unfortunately. I’ll see you tonight,” Rafael breathed.

“I can’t wait,” Sonny said.

“Me neither,” Rafael said, before hanging up. He had to take a deep breath to calm himself before answering the door.

 

Rafael was sitting in his car at the front of Sonnys building. It was 7:45. He had been sitting there for fifteen minutes.

Theoretically, he could go up early and see if Sonny was ready. In practice, he was embarrassed enough that he was half an hour early to a date, even when it was just him who knew.

The afternoon had dragged so slowly Rafael could have yelled. Normally he found murder cases stimulating, if horrifying. Today, however, it felt like nothing could hold his attention for more than a few seconds. His thoughts kept drifting off to a gangly Italian boy waiting to go on a date with him.

 _Finally_ the clock said 7:55 and Rafael forced himself to walk calmly and surely up to Sonny’s building, instead of running, which was what he wanted to do.

He rang the buzzer and didn’t have to wait five seconds before he was buzzed in. He smiled to himself at the image of Sonny waiting by the door as eagerly as Rafael had been waiting in the car.

The ride up in the elevator took longer than three floors should have taken, but finally, _finally,_ Rafael found himself in front of Sonny’s apartment.

Rafael had barely knocked on the door before it opened, Sonny standing in front of him smiling brightly.

He looked…so good. Fuck, he looked good. He was wearing jeans that hugged his legs _perfectly,_ and a pale blue button up that brought out his eyes. The sleeves were rolled up and the sight of Sonny’s forearms made Rafael’s mouth water.

“Ready to go?” Rafael asked. Sonny just nodded, taking Rafael’s hand in his and stepping into the elevator.

In the elevator Sonny somehow made time to press Rafael up against the wall and kiss him thoroughly, before stepping out on the ground floor and leaving Rafael breathless.

“So where are you taking me?” Sonny asked, throwing himself into the front seat.

“Italian,” Rafael said as he started the car.

“Is that a joke?”

Rafael laughed but shook his head.

“Nope. Unfortunately for you, my favourite restaurant in the city is an Italian place on the Upper West Side, so that’s where we’re going.”

“Whatever you say, Raf, but I’ll warn you that I’m going to be comparing everything I eat to my Nonna’s cooking.”

Rafael smiled to himself at the nickname. Every time Sonny called him “Raf” Rafael tried to convince himself to ask him to stop, but he just couldn’t.

“Was she a good cook?”

“Oh, she was awesome. She and my Nonno had a big restaurant in Florence before they moved here in the 40’s—they came to get away from the war.”

“Are your other grandparents Italian, too?”

“Yes and no. My mom’s parents were Italian immigrants, moved here before she was born, but they died when she was nine. She was really lucky, got adopted by another family from church, so she was raised Catholic, anyway. They weren’t Italian, but, you know, she sure is.”

“Is she close to her adoptive parents?”

“Oh yeah, they’re awesome. They live in Staten, too, my Ma grew up there—maybe that’s how she grew up so Italian. They’re just regular WASP-y old white folks, though. Or—I guess they’re not WASPs, they’re Catholic, but you get what I mean. What about you, Raf? Where are your parents from?”

“Cuba. My Abuelita brought my mom and my uncle here in the early 50’s, right before the revolution. My grandfather had already died, so it was just the three of them. Abuelita is incredible, though, she raised them all by herself.”

“That’s amazing, Raf. You love her, huh?”

Rafael blushed, sneaking a look at Sonny. Sonny was looking at him with so much admiration that Rafael had to force himself to look back at the road so he didn’t lean over and start kissing Sonny.

Rafael pulled off the highway and drove through the city while Sonny told him about his sisters, about the police academy, about his roommates.

“This is where we’re eating?” Sonny asked as Rafael parked the car.

“Problem, Carisi?” Rafael asked, quirking one eyebrow.

“Not at all. This looks…actually Italian,” Sonny said, impressed.

The restaurant was an old favourite of Rafael’s, a little hole in the wall place run by first generation Italian immigrants.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Rafael asked as they both got out of the car.

“Just, well…when you tell me you’re taking me to a restaurant on the Upper West Side I kind of assumed it was gonna be a fancy, stick-up-your-butt kind of place. Not the real thing.”

He looked nervous, like he had offended Rafael in some way, but Rafael just smiled and pressed a quick kiss to Sonny’s cheek before moving to the door.

“Maybe this place will actually hold its own against your Nonna, then.”

Sonny scoffed.

“Not a chance.”

The hostess recognized Rafael and brought the two men to a quiet booth in the corner. Rafael sat as close to Sonny as he could while still giving them space to eat. Close enough that he could smell Sonny’s soft cologne again, and close enough that their thighs touched.

Dinner was delicious—Sonny diplomatically refrained from making comparisons to other Italian food he might have had—and the company was even better. Rafael was astounded every time he remembered that they had met less than twenty-four hours ago. The closeness he felt with Sonny, the familiarity—the things he felt about Sonny felt like they had been in him for decades. For centuries.

He decisively ignored those feelings when they threatened to bubble up—there was no way that these were real. Sure, Sonny was great. Sonny was incredible. Rafael planned on dating Sonny thoroughly. _Thoroughly._ But the capital F Feelings that Rafael was experiencing just weren’t realistic.

“What are you smiling at?” Sonny jolted Rafael out of his reverie.

“Excuse me?”

“You’ve done that a few times, you know. Last night, too. You get this look in your eyes, like I have your undivided attention, but you have no idea what I’m saying. Like it’s not what I’m saying, it’s just me.”

Rafael cleared his throat.

“I’m so sorry, Sonny, I didn’t mean to give the impression that I don’t care what you have to say. I promise I’ll pay attention this time.”

Sonny smiled bashfully.

“That’s alright, Raf. No harm no foul.”

“So tell me why you want to become a cop,” Rafael said.

Sonny shrugged.

“Oh man, you know. Just the regular reasons.”

“I can think of ten reasons right now that somebody would want to be a cop, Sonny, none of them particularly flattering.”

Sonny rolled his eyes.

“Yeah, okay, counselor, I’ll give you my reason. I want to help people.”

“And that’s the ‘regular reason’, to you?”

Sonny shrugged.

“It’s the only _good_ reason I can think of for becoming a cop. You know, some of these guys, they’re on some kind of power trip, they were too stupid to get into medical school but they still want to play God. That just seems like bullshit to me. I want to be a cop because I want to help people. _Especially_ because there are so many bad cops.”

Rafael cocked his head.

“What do you mean?”

“Well, you know. Bad cops are everywhere, not taking investigations seriously, because the victim was a prostitute, or a black man, or whatever. Rape victims get told it was their fault for being so drunk, all that bullshit. And these are _cops_ doing this shit. You know when you’re little and your mom tells you that if you get lost, or need help, you can ask a cop, and they’ll help you?”

Rafael didn’t bother mentioning that brown kids growing up in the South Bronx didn’t get that talk from their moms, and just nodded.

“I don’t know, man, it’s like everybody’s trained to trust cops, but cops aren’t trustworthy, right? So I’m thinking, if I can be a cop, be a _good cop_ , if I can trust victims and survivors, make them feel cared for, do everything I can, even if we can’t arrest someone—that’s got to be of some good, right? At least better than some asshole who blames them and never even files a report.” Sonny had started this line of conversation as if it were nothing, but the more he spoke the more worked up he got, the more the butterflies in Rafael’s stomach refused to quiet.

Sonny seemed to realize how riled up he had become, because he immediately got quiet. He looked down at his lap and straightened his shirt nervously.

“Sorry, I tend to get a little…passionate.” He blushed at his word choice.

“Don’t apologize. I think you’re amazing,” Rafael said in awe. Sonny blushed harder. Instead of responding, he just leaned over and kissed Rafael tenderly. Rafael could feel Sonny’s lips trembling, and he brought his hand up to steady the younger man. Rafael felt Sonny settle into his side, and he tried to ignore the way their bodies felt as if they were made to fit together.

Once they had finished desert and paid the bill, the two men found themselves back in Rafael’s car.

“So what about you, counselor, what made you decide to become a lawyer?”

“Well, it’s nowhere near as noble a reason as yours, I’m afraid. I grew up poor, and I didn’t want to stay poor. I realized very young that I had to work hard in school if I wanted even a _chance,_ so I did. I got a full ride to undergrad, and then law school happened. It wasn’t until recently that I started caring about helping people. That’s when I made the switch from the private sector.”

  
“Oh, man, don’t tell me you were a defense attorney. I gotta tell you, that might be a deal breaker,” Sonny said. Rafael knew better than to take his eyes off the road, lest he get distracted again, but he could hear the smirk in Sonny’s voice.

“Well in that case, Carisi, It’s been nice knowing you. Can you get yourself home if I let you out here?” Rafael joked, turning on his blinkers like he was about to pull over and drop Sonny off in the middle of the West Side Highway.

Sonny threw back his head and laughed.

“So what made you make the switch?” Sonny asked.

“You know, there are a lot of defense attorneys doing good work. It’s like you were talking about earlier, the criminal justice system is really messed up in a lot of ways, and there are public defenders doing everything they can to help people who were victims of circumstance, people that ‘fit a description,' so they were suddenly guilty until proven innocent.”

Sonny didn’t say anything, just waited for Rafael to go on.  Rafael took a deep breath.  He hated this story.

“I was not that kind of defense attorney. I took a job with this firm right out of law school, as a junior associate. It was not the good and noble kind of law firm. Most of the job was just rich assholes doing whatever they wanted and then calling us to get them out of trouble. And for a long time I didn’t see a problem with that—I was of the mind that if they could afford the best, they should have it.”

“What changed?” Sonny asked softly. Rafael stared at the road pensively for a few moments before speaking again.

“Two years ago I got assigned this case. This old guy killed his wife. And he didn’t even bother pretending like he _didn’t_ do it. Not to me anyway. He said he wanted to trade her in for a younger model, and this was the only way to get out of the prenup.”

Sonny stayed quiet.

“I’m not proud of it, but I got him off. He got away with murdering his wife because of me. And I got home after that trial and vomited up everything I’d eaten that day. I was just…so disgusted with myself. I realized that I would be ashamed to talk to my mother and my Abuela about my job. And so I moved to the DA’s office as soon as I could.”

Rafael still felt the shame creeping up inside of him at the thought of that trial, at the memory of the kinds of people he had gotten off. He still refused to look at Sonny, even though they were parked on his block now, but this time it wasn’t for fear of being distracted.

He was terrified of seeing Sonny’s reaction to him. The disgust that would inevitably be there. Sonny was a good man, a rarity that Rafael had, frankly, given up on ever finding. Rafael didn’t deserve the respect and admiration of somebody like Sonny.

Sonny didn’t say anything for a long time, so long that Rafael couldn’t bear it any longer and finally looked over at him.

Sonny had an unreadable look on his face. Rafael would almost call it wonder, except for the fact that _wonder_ made no sense after the story that he had just told.

“Please say something,” Rafael whispered.

“What would you like me to say?” Sonny asked. Rafael almost wanted to laugh—Sonny would make a good lawyer.

“Anything. Tell me I’m a terrible person, that you never want to see me again. Just please stop looking at me like that.” Rafael was dangerously close to begging, but the look on Sonny’s face made him feel raw and exposed and naked and he was terrified.

“I’m not going to say either of those things. I don’t think you’re a terrible person. I think you’re an amazing person. I think it probably took a lot more strength to go back to doing the right thing after you lost your way than you’re giving yourself credit for.”

Rafael didn’t know what to say to that, didn’t know how to react, just knew that he wanted to be as close to Sonny as possible. He leaned over the consul and pulled the younger man in for a kiss, discomfort be damned. The feeling of Sonny’s lips on his and Sonny’s hands in his hair far overshadowed the pain of the parking break in his hip.

Rafael ended the kiss reluctantly, and rested his forehead against Sonny’s.

“Do you want to come upstairs?” Sonny asked, and then seemed to realize how that sounded.

“Not for—um, I’m still not…just to talk. Or, you know, kiss. My roommate is out for the night, I think, we could…watch a movie, or something.”

Rafael smiled.

“Unfortunately, Sonny, I have a very early morning tomorrow, to say nothing of the fact that it is easier to wrench myself away from you now than it would be if we were fifteen feet from your bed.”

Sonny blushed but nodded. Rafael cleared his throat and tried to take back some of his composure.

“When can I see you again?” Rafael asked, sitting back in his seat and smoothing his hair.

“I have a late night tomorrow, I probably can’t make it till Thursday,” Sonny said.

“Thursday’s no good for me, I’ll be up all night preparing for a case. Friday?”

Sonny nodded.

“Let me cook for you. I mean…if you think you’ll be able to wrench yourself away when we’re fifteen feet from your bed. Let me come over and cook dinner for you.” Sonny sounded so eager that Rafael couldn’t have said no even if he wanted to.

“I should be home around eight. Be there at 8:30?” Rafael asked, pulling out his card and writing his address on the back. Sonny took it and shoved it in his pocket.

Rafael thought Sonny would open the car door, was shocked when Sonny practically launched himself over the consol. Suddenly, one of Sonny’s hands was in his hair and one was on the back of his neck, and Sonny’s tongue was deep in his mouth. Rafael moaned, half in surprise half in arousal. In the short day that they’d known each other the two men had done their fair share of kissing, but this was different. Sonny was suddenly on him like there was a fire in his belly, like he was desperate for more of Rafael, for everything he could get out of Rafael.

And then, as quickly as it started, it was over. Sonny pulled away and breathed heavily in Rafael’s ear.

“That’s to keep you warm until I see you again.”

And then he was gone, leaving Rafael panting and hard in the drivers seat.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I kind of invented some backstory for the boys here, more than we have already. 
> 
> Alsoo, I'm going to try to finish this fic before November, but it looks unlikely. During November I'm participating in National Novel Writing Month, so I wont be posting any fic, just working on my original work. I can't promise this will be DONE before that, but I can promise at least one more chapter.   
> Love you all!! Thank you for the comments!!


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The boys third date! Sonny talks about why he isn't out, and Rafael tells some of his coming out story.

 

Somehow Rafael made it to Friday night, surviving only on one phone call and memories of Sonny’s lips on his. He rushed home from the office that night, arriving home a full twenty minutes before he usually did.

He used the extra time to shower, to shave away the five o’clock shadow. He brushed his teeth and rinsed thoroughly with mouth wash. He put on aftershave and combed his hair and took care choosing his cologne. He put on his best fitting jeans and one of his favourite shirts, the collar made his neck look good and it hugged his shoulders nicely.

Then he set to work on his apartment. He didn’t have to worry about the bedroom—not that it was anything other than immaculate—but the living room needed some tweaking. He moved the chair into his guest room, so Sonny would have no choice but to sit next to him on the couch. He lit some candles, ones that smelled musky and warm and spicy. He strategically chose which books to leave on the coffee table—he wanted to seem cultured but accessible. He was standing in the middle of his dining room overthinking his table runner when his doorbell rang.

He did _not_ run to the door. He didn’t.

He did, however, walk briskly.

Seeing Sonny again was like a breath of fresh air after being holed up inside for a week. Rafael opened the door to see Sonny’s bright smile, his dimples on full display. Rafael was distracted for a moment by Sonny’s soft blue eyes, before he noticed the grocery bags in Sonny’s hands.  
“Here, come in, let me help you with that,” he said, stepping back and taking one of the bags. Their hands brushed, and, considering the fact that they had exchanged saliva more than once, it shouldn’t have made Rafael’s heart rate pick up the way it did.

They made their way to the kitchen, and, before Rafael could begin to unpack the groceries, Sonny crowded him against the counter, placing one slender hand on the marble countertop on either side of Rafael.

“Hey,” Sonny said, his breath ghosting against Rafael’s lips.

“Hey,” Rafael said, smiling. Sonny leaned in almost imperceptibly, forcing Rafael to take matters into his own hands and close the distance between them.

This was a soft kiss, not heated and deep like their others had been. This kiss was just a hello, a taste of what the rest of the night had in store.

“So what are you making me?” Rafael asked when they broke apart.

“ _Zuppa di fagioli—_ fagioli soup.”

“I’m sorry, _what_ soup?”

Sonny grinned at him.

“It’s a Tuscan dish my Nonna taught me. Cannellini beans and tomatoes and some other junk. “

“I feel very confident in your cooking now that I know it’s going to contain ‘junk’,” Rafael said, getting to work unpacking the groceries.

“There’s a Tuscan wine in there, too, you should open it up, let it aerate while I cook.”

Rafael grabbed a corkscrew from the drawer next to the fridge and searched through grocery bags until he found the wine.

“So are we ever going to eat anything together besides Italian food?” Rafael asked, climbing onto one of the barstools to watch Sonny as he started dicing onions.

Sonny grinned again.

“Well next time, you’ll have to make me some Cuban food.”

Rafael snorted.

“I don’t cook. At all. I think this is the most groceries that have been in my apartment since my mother worried I was starving and brought me what felt like a whole supermarket. I know a few good Cuban restaurants in the city, though.”

“Or maybe I can cook you _lechon con moros,”_ Sonny said. Rafael quirked an eyebrow at him.

“I didn’t know you knew so much about Cuban food, Carisi,” he said.

Sonny grinned again and ducked his head.

“I went to the library and found a Cuban cook book yesterday. I wanted to cook you something Cuban tonight, but it looked a little ambitious to perfect in one day.”

“Eager to please, are we?” Rafael smirked, if only to hide the way Sonny’s words punched him in the gut. The thought of someone as young and gentle as Sonny taking time out of his day to go to the library to find something he could cook for Rafael…it was almost too much.

“Well, I gotta give you some reason to keep me around, since you’re not getting any.” Sonny said it like it was a joke, but Rafael could see tension in the set of his shoulders that belied his casual tone.

Rafael reached across the bar and stayed Sonny’s hand on the can opener.

“Sonny, I’m not just here waiting around for sex. You know that, right?”

Sonny’s face colored. Rafael squeezed his hand, but Sonny refused to look up.  
“I mean…I guess.”

“Sonny, do I seem like the kind of man who would waste his own time?” Rafael asked, thinking that his cocky tone would make Sonny more comfortable than if he tried to be sincere and soft.

Sonny finally looked up at him and shook his head, but there was still shame in his eyes.

“Sonny, I’m not going to pretend like I don’t want to have sex with you. But if this were only about sex, I wouldn’t be here—I could find any number of attractive men in this city willing to have sex with me. I’m here because I like you. Because you’re kind and generous and selfless. Because you’re funny and, yes, because you’re so goddamn hot it makes my eyes cross, but that means almost nothing compared to who _you are.”_

Rafael was not one for big speeches full of feelings. He usually saved his oratory skills for his closing arguments, and he felt a little bit awkward breaking them out away from the courtroom.

It was worth it, though. Sonny’s eyes softened, and the stiffness left his shoulders. Neither of them said anything, but Sonny started humming and went back to opening the can of crushed tomatoes.

“How would your Nonna feel about using tinned ingredients?” Rafael asked.

“She would probably disown me. Unfortunately I don’t have the time to make tomato sauce from scratch right now, not to mention that it takes about a thousand hours to cook dry beans. You’re going to have to settle for the canned stuff,” Sonny said.

When he finally got the soup simmering, and put the garlic bread in the oven, Sonny poured the two of them some wine and motioned for Rafael to lead the way into the living room. Rafael settled into the corner and stretched his arm over the back of the sofa, making space for Sonny to cuddle up next to him.

“So, can I ask…” Rafael trailed off. He wanted to ask about Sonny’s aversion to sex, but he didn’t want to overstep. He was more than happy to wait for Sonny, no matter how hard it was. No pun intended. When the finally had sex, he wanted Sonny to be as eager and enthusiastic about it as he was about everything else he did. The thought of having sex when Sonny wasn’t completely into it was about as appealing as the thought of his Abuelita was.

But if there was anything he could do to help Sonny feel better about it…well, he would be happy to speed things along, if given the chance.

“Ask away, Counselor,” Sonny said, looking up at him.

“I don’t want to give the impression that I’m impatient, and god knows I don’t want to make you uncomfortable, so don’t feel like you have to answer this. But…”

“Spit it out, Barba,” Sonny said.

“Is the no sex thing…is that because of the Catholic thing? Or the gay thing? Or…I mean, shit I don’t know how to…”

Rafael wasn’t used to being at a loss for words. He wasn’t sure he liked it.

Sonny took a long drink from his wine glass before leaning forward to place it on the coffee table. He leaned back into Rafael’s arms, which was a good sign, as far as Rafael could tell.

“Well, it’s a little of both. I...am not out to my family. They’re…very Catholic. The scary kind of Catholic. I love them to death, I really do, but I have absolutely no idea how they would react to me being gay. Past evidence shows that it wouldn’t be a pretty picture. Not that I’m…waiting on my families approval to have sex, or anything. But…you know, growing up in that kind of environment can fuck you up. And you know, when I was a kid, all I heard about gays was how they were all dying because they were having sex, and how that was God’s punishment, and do you know how many Republicans are in Staten? And—“

Rafael could see Sonny working himself up into a lather, and leaned over to kiss him. He figured he would cut any potential freak out off at the pass. Sonny immediately relaxed into Rafael, which Rafael couldn’t ever imagine tiring of.

They pulled away and Rafael brought the hand not holding a wine glass to cup Sonny’s cheek.

“I mean it. I’m not impatient. I can wait as long as you need to.”

Sonny smiled softly, and looked down at his lap.

“I…really want to. With you. I mean, I _really_ want to. I mean, you have no idea. Believe me, I—“ He cut himself off and took a deep, calming breath. Rafael had to take one, too, because seeing Sonny get worked up about how much he wanted Rafael was _incredibly_ enticing.

“As soon as I’m ready, you’ll be the first to know.”

Rafael was about to kiss Sonny again when the timer on dinner went off from the kitchen.

Sonny jumped up from the couch and went to the kitchen, with Rafael following close behind.

The two of them served the food in comfortable silence. Rafael got out the bowls and the plates, Sonny ladled soup and pulled the garlic bread out of the oven. They each got a second glass of wine and then made their way into the dining room.

“So how did you come out? Or—uh, are you out? To your mom and everything?” Sonny asked.

“Yes, I am. I came out fifteen years ago. I was seventeen. The AIDS crisis really got to me, you know. I knew I was gay very young, and seeing the way men were treated—it got to me. Like, we were dying, and nobody cared, and nobody was helping, and we were yelling and nobody was listening. And being in the closet just—drove me crazy. I wanted to be able to stand with my people. So I came out.”

“You make it sound so simple,” Sonny said.  
“It wasn’t. It was really, _really_ hard. You know, my mom and my Abuelita, they’re great, but they’re also products of their time.”

“No, I mean…you make the _choice_ sound so simple.”  
Sonny looks ashamed again.

“Sonny…you don’t owe it to anybody to come out.”

“I kind of owe it to you—“

“No, you don’t. I…I’m not going to pretend that I don’t want you to come out to your family. Eventually. I mean…I’m here until you tell me to leave, so it might get kind of awkward if you _don’t_ come out to your family. But even if we were to grow old together and have babies and get married, you should only come out for yourself.”

He finished his rant and then realized he had brought up growing old together on the third date. He felt sick. He wasn’t supposed to put words to the absolute _nonsense_ he was feeling. How could he explain to Sonny that they’d known each other for less than a week and he was already picking out china patterns?

“Thank you,” Sonny said, reaching across the dining table and squeezing his hand.

Rafael just smiled at him.

The rest of dinner went smoothly, and after they had cleaned up, the two men moved to the couch. They both pretended like they were just there to talk, but soon Rafael found himself horizontal, with an eager, whimpering Sonny beneath him. Rafael’s lips were attached to Sonny’s jawline, and Sonny’s fingers were tangled in his hair. The noises Sonny was making sounded like a prayer, and very few things could have torn him away at that precise moment.

One of those things was the way his cock throbbed with Sonny’s hips bucking against his.

Rafael detached himself from Sonny’s throat and extracted himself from Sonny’s grip. Sonny whined at the loss of contact. Rafael promised himself to remember that noise later, after Sonny had gone home.

“No, come back,” Sonny begged, and wow, Rafael had never had to have this kind of self control.  
“I think it’s time for you to leave,” Rafael breathed, and even he could hear how ragged his voice sounded.

“What? No, I can—“

“Sonny.” Rafael used his sternest voice. Which was quite a feat, considering that he was half hard and had the man of his dreams on his couch practically begging for him.

Sonny whined again, but sat up and took several deep breaths.

“Okay. Okay. I’m sorry.”

“Don’t apologize. Just…maybe you should go sooner, rather than later.”

Sonny nodded. He stood up and grabbed his coat, holding it in front of him conspicuously.

Rafael took a few more deep breaths and thought of the crime scene photos he had seen earlier that day, before standing up to walk Sonny to the door.

“I’ll call you,” he said, pressing a softer, much more chaste kiss to Sonny’s lips. Sonny smiled.  
“See you later, Rafael,” he said, before closing the door.

Rafael practically ran to the bedroom, unbuttoning his pants along the way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OKAY FOLKS that's all for about a month! I'm on hiatus for the month of November, participating in National Novel Writing Month. If you want to add me on there, i have the same username as here.   
> Thank you all so much for your kind comments! I hope you liked this chapter!   
> PS I super didn't edit this chapter so PLS let me know if there's any gaping mistakes.

**Author's Note:**

> Prequel to Let The Light In


End file.
